


(No) Space Dorm

by astralelegies



Category: No Boys Dorm (Web Series), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Crack Crossover, Fake/Pretend Relationship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Multi, Parody, Sadly, Sorry Not Sorry, T is mainly for language, This is terrible, sleeping might have been a better choice, the dorm is not actually in space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-24 11:35:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6152374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astralelegies/pseuds/astralelegies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you take the characters of the current Star Wars canon and put them in the universe of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHejKtGcp5k">this</a> webseries? After Rey’s apartment burns down she is forced to move into the boys’ dorm of the distinguished and mysterious Academy in Toronto. But when her position at the dorm is threatened, the enigmatic Elite student Jessika Pava steps in to defend her from the rulebook the best way she knows how…by pretending to be Rey’s girlfriend. Soon Rey is entangled in a web of friends and enemies alike as she navigates the misadventures of her strange new world. </p><p>(Complete until further notice.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Arrival

**Author's Note:**

> You can totally read this and it’ll make sense whether or not you’ve seen the webseries, but it is one I highly recommend and you’ll probably enjoy the fic more if you watch it. Also this entire thing is one pure atrocious folly that I got the idea for at midnight, so. Keep that in mind.

Rey marched up to the nondescript dorm room door and knocked hard. There came some muffled shouting from within of _no,_ I _got it last time, it’s your turn_ before it swung slowly open to reveal the face of a very irritated young man shrouded in a black cape.

“What the fuck do you want.” 

“I’m here to stay at the dorm.” Rey pushed past him into the room. “You did remember I was coming, right?”

“I try to block every conversation I have with you from my memory as soon as it’s over,” muttered Kylo Ren, following her. “Wasn’t there anywhere else you could stay?”

“Not really,” said Rey. “My roommate burned my apartment down, along with all of my stuff, and ever since the orphanage got shut down for ‘weird levitating objects’ I have no one to turn to. So physically painful as it is for me to admit this, you are currently my sole connection to a place to crash that isn’t the underside of a bridge.”

“I hate this.”

“I’m not terribly fond of the situation either, but it’s either this or I tell the world about how you wet the bed every night until sixth grade.” 

Kylo turned scarlet. “Low blow.”

Rey moved to inspect the rest of the room. It wasn’t huge, but it was sizeable enough for the living area of a college dorm, and it seemed fairly pleasant and clean. In one corner there was a desk with a computer on it, and behind it a bespectacled boy typed frantically. He turned after a few moments to face her.

“You’re Rey.” 

“Oh, yes, sorry. Hi. I’m Rey. I’m related to Kylo.”

“I know. I heard him on the phone with you.”

(That particular conversation had consisted mainly of various statements of “I hate you” and some choice curse words. Rey wasn’t sure it made a good first impression.)

“Snap, what are you doing here,” Kylo asked flatly. 

“I live here,” Snap told him, “in this dorm. With you.”

“Oh. Right.” 

“Did you tell her the rules yet?”

“What rules?”

Snap rolled his eyes, wearing the _Kylo Ren you fucking idiot_ expression Rey had seen all manner of people at the orphanage use when confronted with his melodrama. 

Before Snap could explain himself, the door burst open, and in marched a red-haired boy with a frown and a pointed drumstick. 

“Inspection!”

“Not _now_ , Hux,” Kylo snapped. “You’re supposed to give us warning.”

“A proper soldier must be vigilant at _all times_.” 

“None of us are soldiers, Hux,” said Snap.

“Whatever.” Hux blinked in annoyance before catching sight of Rey and brandishing the drumstick at her. “For instance. A girl! In boys’ dorm!”

“Are girls not allowed in boys’ dorm?”

“Who the fuck even cares gender is a social construct honestly.” Hux seemed to lose himself in a reverie, then shook himself out of it. “But! According to this year’s dorm rules you are only allowed to be in here for _one hour_. _And_ you didn’t even sign in.”

“Version 6.0,” Snap murmured.

“Thank you, Snap. Now, as I was saying—

The door opened again.

“Kylo I swear if you sabotage my guitar with your emo punk whatever tuning one more time—

The voice stopped. “Looks like I’m interrupting something.” The speaker turned to Rey. “I’m Finn.”

“Rey,” she said. 

“Make sure you’re out of here before time’s up,” Hux told her. He stormed out. 

“He’s terrible,” said Kylo.

“You’re terrible,” said Snap. 

Finn gave Rey an appraising glance. “So you’re related to Kylo. You’re less evil than I expected.”

“I get that a lot,” she told him. 

“So did Hux tell you about the exception to the rule?”

She shook her head.

“The boys’ dorm is the strictest residence hall on campus. Seriously, the rulebook is so long they could turn it into a three-volume novelization. But none of those restrictions matter if you’re Elite.”

“Elite?”

Finn got a dreamy look on his face. “Perfect hair. Perfect grades. The Elite are a select group of Academy students with over a hundred percent in all of their classes. They pretty much run the school. They get better food, better facilities, better _everything_.”

“So all I have to do is get permission from the Elite and I can stay,” said Rey.

“Yes,” said Finn, “but it isn’t that simple. None of us here are Elite, so even if Snap or I pretended to be dating you…which wouldn’t happen, by the way, because Kylo and I literally hate each other.”

“I don’t see what that has to do with me,” Rey muttered.

“If you’re found out he could get expelled,” Snap informed her. “Finn and Pava and I have been awaiting the day since we started here.”

“How comforting.” 

“Don’t worry,” Finn assured her, “we won’t sell you out. Maybe having you here will make him more bearable.” 

“I sincerely doubt that,” said Rey, “but it’s worth a try.” 

After that she left to explore the campus. She was walking through a hallway of closed doors and red lockers, barely paying attention to where she was going, when she ran headfirst into someone heading in the opposite direction.

“Ow,” the girl beneath her murmured in annoyance. 

Rey found herself thinking _wow, the Elite really do have perfect hair_ before realizing that she was on top of this stranger and it would probably be a good idea to move. She clambered to her feet hastily. 

“I am so sorry.”

The other girl regarded her from the floor with distaste. “Watch where you’re going.”

“Captain Phasma.” A hand reached down, bringing her to her feet. (A hand attached to, Rey couldn’t help noticing, a rather attractive girl who, if her perfect hair was any indication, was probably also Elite). “Are you alright?”

Phasma cast Rey a dirty look. “Contemplating the value of allowing imbeciles to breathe when I establish my new world order. Actually, while you’re here, there’s something I’ve been meaning to—”

The attractive, perfect-haired stranger walked past her. Phasma followed with a frown. 

“What are you _doing_?”

Rey turned in slight surprise to see Hux standing behind her, then looked back to the retreating figures of the two strangers.

“Who _is_ that?”

“That’s Phasma,” Hux said smugly. “She’s heir to the Starkiller fortune _and_ club captain.”

“No, not her. The other girl.”

He snorted. “Got your eye on her, have you? Jessika Pava, a.k.a. Jess Testor, is one of our most prominent Elite students, and _you_ are never going to have the slightest dream of a chance with her.” 

That was probably a fair assertion. 

“Now, I will need to see your I.D.”

Rey blinked. “What.”

“Your I.D.” Hux smirked. “You _are_ a student here, aren’t you?”

“My I.D,” said Rey, “I lost it.” 

“Tough.” 

“Rey!” Finn ran up to her. “Kylo kicked us out of the room so he could sulk and—

He stopped short when he saw who she was talking to. “Oh. Hello Hux.” 

“Finn. Tell Rey to give me her I.D.”

“Um,” he said, “why?”

“Proof.” Hux folded his arms. “Only registered students are allowed admittance into boys’ dorm.”

Rey and Finn exchanged a look. 

“The thing is…” she began.

“Rey.” Behind her, Snap pressed a sharp, plasticky object into her palm. Rey prayed it was what she thought it was.

“You left your I.D. back at the dorm.”

She presented it to Hux triumphantly. He scowled. 

“Well…there is still the matter of the time limit.”

 _Oh right. That._ She still had no idea how to get around that. 

“Umm…”

The assembled students shared a series of panicked looks.

“Don’t worry. She’s my girlfriend.” Someone stepped past Hux—a Jessika Pava someone—and put her hand on Rey’s shoulder. “She can stay.”

 _Damn_ , Hux thought. _I owe Kylo five bucks._

From behind a corner of lockers, Phasma watched, and glared silently.


	2. The Cursed Lightsaber

“I’m confused,” said Rey.

She was walking around campus with Finn and Snap, who had agreed to give her the tour, albiet the later grudgingly so. (That morning Finn had dragged him out from behind the computer while he hissed and cursed at the sun. Apparently being outside interfered with running his monopoly on the Academy document falsification empire.) 

“What is it you’re confused about?” asked Finn.

“Jessika Pava. You said the boys’ dorm is super strict, but…she lives there with you.”

“She’s Elite,” Snap said. 

“The Elite can do whatever they want,” Finn said.

“But why though? What’s so special about the boys’ dorm?”

Snap shrugged. Finn leaned in conspiratorially. 

“Listen, you didn’t hear this from me, but—

He stopped mid-sentence, staring at something behind Rey. She spun around to see Jessika Pava and another beautiful stranger strolling down the opposite walkway. When she turned to ask Finn what was wrong she realized he’d disappeared.

“Don’t worry,” said Snap, “he does that.”

Rey watched them pass. Someone grabbed her from behind.

“Is he go— _ahhow_!”

Unfortunately for Finn, Rey had hyper-strong reflexes, and did not take well to people sneaking up on her. She’d punched him in the face.

“Sorry! I’m so sorry. Um. Is your nose going to be alright?”

Finn winced. “Well, at least it’s not bleeding. Is he gone?”

“Who?”

“The boy with Jess. Poe Dameron.” 

Rey raised an eyebrow at him.

“N—not that I was hiding from him, or anything,” he said quickly. “He’s just, like, perfect.” 

“I can’t believe you brought me outside for this,” Snap muttered. 

Finn wasn’t looking at him. “Here comes trouble.”

Trouble, it turned out, meant an angrier-than-usual Phasma marching towards them at top speed.

“You are not dating her.”

Rey blinked.

“You are not dating Jessika Pava. You don’t even go here!”

“Of course I go here,” Rey said, “I’m—

“—majoring in the Force,” Finn supplied quickly. 

Phasma folded her arms. “Oh really? Does she even Force lift?”

“Sure I do,” said Rey.

“She’s a natural,” said Finn. “She’s even coming to the audition tonight to participate in the Academy Force Quartet.”

Rey had no idea what the hell a Force Quartet was, but she decided to go with it and nodded vehemently. Phasma looked like she was about to say more, but just then a brightly-dressed figure flew past her. 

“Rey!”

“Padmé?”

Rey braced herself as the other girl launched herself into her arms. “I thought you were up at Naboo?”

“I was,” said Padmé, “but I got kicked out after an incident with some Gungans and the Trade Federation so my parents said I had to become a senator, and now I’m here!”

“Gungans?” Snap said.

“Incident?” Finn said.

“Unimportant,” Padmé dismissed. 

Phasma was glaring at them. She shifted back to kick Rey a square one in the center of the ribs when at that exact instant a particularly strong gust of wind came out of nowhere and knocked her off balance. Without thinking, Rey rushed to stop her fall and caught her, their faces a few inches apart. Phasma rested in her arms a few moments, expression turning to one of something akin to surprise, before returning to her senses and shoving Rey aside. 

“I will end you.”

She stalked off. 

“She seems nice,” said Padmé. 

“So what’s the Academy Force Quartet?” Rey asked. 

Snap rolled his eyes. “Trust me, you do not want to know.” 

“Spoilsport.” Finn turned to Rey. “Alright, so it’s totally the coolest thing ever, no matter what Snap says. Just picture lightsaber battles but musical.” 

Rey sighed. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

They walked on towards the boys’ dorm in silence. 

“This might be a lot to ask,” Finn ventured, “but do you think you can learn to manipulate the flow of the Force that binds our universe together in under five hours?”

“I know just the person to help,” said Rey.

~

Leia Organa was using the Force to get someone’s uncooperative cat out of a tree when Rey found her. After the grateful owner paid her she turned to see her old friend and, sighing, made her slow approach. 

“Leia,” said Rey, “it’s been a while.”

“You’re back.” 

“I should never have left.”

“You did what you had to.”

A pause.

“What is it this time?”

“I just wanted to see you,” Rey said.

Leia gave her a look. “You need my help.” 

“Also that.” Rey offered a tentative smile. “You’re doing freelance now, right? I think I have a job for you.” 

~

“I want her gone,” said Phasma.

“She’s a registered student,” Hux said (and somewhere in the distance, sensing the importance of his hacking skills to the plot thus far, Snap winked). “Getting rid of her won’t be easy.”

“I have an idea.”

~

“You’re the best, Leia.” 

Finn was showering the newcomer with an enthusiasm she refused to acknowledge with anything more than her usual stoically sarcastic nature. Leia had gone over a few of the fundamentals of Force manipulation with Rey after the other girl had explained the situation, and they were now on their way to the audition room. 

“We’ve been looking for a fourth member since the start of the semester,” he continued.

“Imagine my surprise,” Leia muttered. Rey elbowed her. “I mean…I wonder why?”

“It all has to do with…” Finn glanced around and lowered his voice. “… _the legend_.”

“The legend.”

“Of the Cursed Lightsaber.”

They found themselves at the door before he could continue, and he was soon too busy monitoring the auditions to explain himself.

“Hux!”

The R.A. gave him an irritated look. “ _What_?”

“We need lightsabers. That’s a French horn.” 

“Well I don’t have a lightsaber,” he said, “and I don’t want one. Haven’t you heard… _the legend_?”

There was a collective gasp from those assembled, along with Leia’s annoyed murmur of _why does everyone feel the need to put that phrase in italics._

“ _The Legend_ of the Cursed Lightsaber,” Rey said. “What’s that about?”

“That’s just superstition,” Finn told her. “Hux, leave!”

The other boy stormed off. Now that the room was empty of auditionees, Finn turned to Rey and Leia. 

“A long time ago in an Academy far far away the staff of this hallowed institution decided they wanted to purchase a lightsaber, the best of them all.”

“If it was the staff here then that isn’t far away,” Rey pointed out.

“It’s for dramatic effect,” Finn said. “Well, they finally got their hands on one of the most finely-crafted blades ever made, and members of the then-hallowed Force Quartet soon took to using it. But the lightsaber was cursed. It was so difficult to duel with that it drove anyone who touched it to madness. Ever since, the club has fallen into ruin.”

“Luckily I brought my own.”

A brown-haired boy bearing a weapon and a smirk swaggered into the room. He activated his lightsaber and used the accompanying hum to back his short sung ballad that seemed to have been made up on the spot. There was a pause. 

“Han Solo,” Finn said, “I had no idea you were interested.”

“Actually I hate lightsabers,” Han said. “Give me a good blaster any day. And I’m not interested. _In you._ ”

He winked at Leia on his way out. She rolled her eyes. 

“I guess it’s my turn.” 

She lifted herself from her seat and took the floor. Even after watching everything Rey wasn’t quite sure what a Force Quartet was—most people so far had seemed to be winging it—but she found herself watching her friend in awe as Leia began to use the Force to achieve various resonant frequencies with the objects in the room. It was the strangest music she’d ever heard, but beautiful too. After a few minutes Leia finished and bowed. 

“I am also an excellent fighter.”

Finn nodded, impressed. 

Just then Phasma marched into the room, bearing a lightsaber aloft in front of her. Next to her Hux and Kylo stood with malicious glee. 

“We’re here to see Rey’s audition,” she said, “given that she’s such a prodigy. We even brought her a lightsaber.”

Feeling trapped, Rey stepped tentatively forward and took it. Padmé, who had been there the whole time, apparently, gasped. 

“That isn’t—

Finn covered his eyes. “It is. The Cursed Lightsaber.”

“Oh no.” 

Phasma folded her arms. Rey tried to activate the lightsaber. It flickered into a brief burst of blue and then died. She tried again, with even less success. Hux and Kylo began to snicker.

Then Jessika Pava slid through the doorway, walking up and taking the lightsaber out of Rey’s hands. She fiddled with it a few moments before pressing something. The blue beam sprung to life.

“The ‘on’ button is notoriously difficult to find. Poor design work.”

She left. Rey began demonstrating a few of her battle poses, and Phasma and her friends exited in a huff. Shortly afterward Leia got up and left. After exchanging a few worried glances, Rey followed with Finn and Padmé.

Outside, Leia turned to her. 

“You left me.”

“Leia, I—

“I understand wanting to leave the orphanage. Your past. You’re following a dream. And now I want to follow my dream too. I’m tired of doing freelance work. I want to follow the path I was born for. I want to become a Jedi Knight.”

There was a beat.

“It’s great that you want to complete your training,” said Finn, “but we still need someone for the Force Quartet.”

~

Phasma rode the lift down to the basement where the Shadow Order made their lair with a quiet fury. It was time to call in the professionals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will we ever find out what a Force Quartet is? Or what Phasma's captain of? Will we see more of Rey's mysterious fake girlfriend? Tune in next time for the third installment of this awful story.


	3. Duel of Sabers

Leia strode into the dorm room.

“You’re coming with me. I’ve got a gig.”

Rey looked up from her book. “What is it?”

“Some newb who wouldn’t show their face challenged me to a duel at the Carnival.” 

Kylo grimaced from his corner of brooding. “That sketchy club on the other side of town?”

“Money is money,” Leia said, shrugging, “and if I win I get paid a lot.” 

“You can’t be serious,” said Snap. “I heard the last Jedi who dueled there disappeared mysteriously mere hours after the fight was complete.” 

“Well I already placed a bet on myself,” Leia told him, “so I can’t back out now. Besides, I have reinforcements. I called up the Three Demons. Force Demon. Weapons Demon. Crush the Patriarchy Demon. The Demons and I kick butt.” 

And so it was settled. That evening they dressed for the fight to come and made their appearance at Carnival. Rey, Finn, and Padmé had eagerly agreed to accompany Leia, while Snap had mumbled something about being busy and Kylo had been dragged grudgingly along. (“Perhaps he can distract the enemy with his whining,” Leia said.) 

It was a Friday night, and the club was packed. Students and strangers alike crowded the bar and tapped their feet on the sticky dance floor. The dueling ring loomed ominously on a stage behind them. The whole atmosphere was uncomfortable but south of nauseating, and Padmé seemed to be, against the odds, actually _enjoying_ herself. 

While Leia went off to prepare herself, the others made their way up to the counter. Snap was waiting behind it.

“Damn it,” he muttered.

“Oh my god,” said Kylo, “I am going to have _so much_ new blackmail material.” 

“Shut up,” said Snap, “new software doesn’t buy itself.”

There was a boy standing a few feet away from them. 

“You’re Rey.”

She turned. “Han Solo, right? From the audition.” 

“Do you like flying?”

Rey blinked. “I…what?” 

“I’ve got a plane,” said Han. “An old Sopwith, fits two people, faster than any modern jet. I call her the Millennium Falcon.”

“That’s…interesting,” Rey said. 

“Most people wouldn’t think so,” Han remarked, “but you don’t seem to be like most people. You’re different than the other Academy students.”

Rey shrugged. “Kylo threatened to maim the admissions council with his lightsaber if they didn’t let him in. I tried a more tactful approach.” 

“Glad to hear idiocy doesn’t run in the family.”

“I used to dream about flying,” Rey said suddenly. “Back at the orphanage, with Kylo and Leia. I used to wish a ship would come sweeping out of the sky and carry me as far away from the place as I could get. Then when we were teenagers Leia and I started breaking into old airfields. We’d go up in the planes together and dare each other to fly all the way out of town, but we never did. And then one time Kylo told on us and we had to quit. I still haven’t forgiven him for that.” 

A thought came to mind of a particular enemy she’d made during that last unfortunate encounter, but she shoved it aside. He probably wasn’t even in Toronto anymore. 

“Leia,” said Han, “she’s that friend of yours who was at the audition, right? Is she here tonight?” 

“Mmhm.” Rey turned to look behind her. “She’s right…there.” 

She trailed off. Han had vanished. Feeling a creeping sensation of alarm, she put a hand to the pocket where she kept the I.D. Snap had made. Empty. She whipped around to find Padmé standing next to her.

“He took my I.D.” 

“Who?”

“Han Solo.”

Padmé’s eyes widened. “But Rey! He’s part of the Shadow Order!”

“The what?”

“Never mind that,” Snap groaned, “if the Academy gets their hands on that I.D. I’m done for. I’ll have to commit Force-puku.” 

Rey caught sight of Leia waiting by the side of the stage and ran up to her. “Someone took my I.D.”

Leia didn’t even pretend to be surprised. “Tell me whose ass needs to get handed to them.”

Before Rey could reply an announcer stepped onto the stage.

“Ladies, gentlemen, those outside or anywhere in between: tonight we have some very special entertainment in store for you here at the Carnival. In this very room you are about to witness a Jedi knight do battle with our very own swaggering flyboy, Han Solo!”

“That’s him,” Rey breathed as the boy took the stage. “That’s the person who stole my I.D.” 

“This is bad,” said Snap, who’d joined them. “You’re fighting _Han Solo_. He’s the Carnival’s ten-time champion. They pay him more for every time he wins. And the only thing he loves more than money is his plane.” 

Leia gripped her lightsaber harder. “He’s still no match for me.” She turned to Rey. “Let me take care of this.” 

Rey nodded mutely and watched with Snap and Padmé as her friend faced Han Solo. They were standing very close and appeared to be holding a hushed conversation she couldn’t make out. 

“I’m impressed,” said Leia, keeping her voice low so only her opponent would hear. “Hustling, from one of us?”

He smirked. “You and your gang aren’t exactly difficult targets.”

“You sure about that?”

Leia activated her lightsaber. Han unholstered his blaster. They began the duel.

The style of the competitors was not lost on the audience, who even in their varying states of lucidity couldn’t help but admire the combat as more than a merely gladiatorial display. The adversaries wove around each other in an intricate dance, swinging and ducking and parrying with incredible fluidity. Soon everyone in the club was watching with baited breath, disregarding whatever they had been doing before. The battle wore on, yet still no clear victor emerged. Then Han managed to back Leia into a corner, advancing on her with the barrel of his blaster steady, and Rey prepared herself for the worst.

And then Leia smiled.

In an instant she spun around, catapulting herself out of Han’s reach and knocking him to the ground. She pointed her lightsaber at his throat.

“I.D. Now.”

Slowly he let his weapon clatter to the floor and reached into his jacket, pulling out the plastic card. Leia grabbed it and tossed it to Rey. Three masked figures moved out of the crowd and came to stand beside her on the stage. She withdrew her lightsaber and winked at Han, then turned to them.

“Demons. Let’s go.” 

~

Phasma had watched the entirety of the proceedings from the back of the room. Now she glared down at Han, arms crossed.

“You were _supposed_ to bring me that I.D,” she told him icily. “That was the plan. You have failed me.”

Han wasn’t looking at her, but not, Phasma noted, out of fear. He wore an even more ridiculous expression on his face. 

“I guess I have,” he said, and grinned.


End file.
